The Comedy Basement 
The Best Man Speech

(It is night time at the lake and Jeff is sitting at the edge of a floating dock, his pants rolled up and bare feet resting calmly in the water. He is approached by Noah, who sits down beside him)

NOAH: What’s up, man?

JEFF: Nothing much... just thinking.

NOAH: Oh yeah? About what?

JEFF: Nothing, really.

NOAH: Ah come on, you can tell me.

JEFF: Well, I wouldn’t want to trouble you with anything.

NOAH: No, don’t be stupid. You’re my Best Man, if you have a problem, I wanna hear about it.

JEFF: Well it’s about that, actually.

NOAH: About what? You being my Best Man?

JEFF: Yeah, the speech actually.

NOAH: Okay, well what’s the problem?

JEFF: I’m just not sure how to go about it. I checked out some websites and some YouTube videos, but I don’t know, those kind of Best Man speeches – they’re just not me, you know.

NOAH: Well that’s why you’ve gotta make this toast your own. Put your own personal touch on it.

JEFF: So you mean like tell a few stories about you?

NOAH: Sure.

JEFF: Okay...can I talk about the time that guy threw a potato at your head?


JEFF: Really? That was so funny though... exploded all over you... Well how about the time you got drunk off your dad’s homemade wine and we gave you a wedgie and ripped your underwear?

NOAH: No. You posted those photos on Facebook... they’re still up there, even though I asked you nicely to take them down.

JEFF: Okay, fair enough I’m not taking the pics down but I won’t mention it in my speech. But how about the time in grade six when you ate that old chicken and then threw up in a sink?

NOAH: (Pause) That didn’t happen.

JEFF: Sure it did. You pulled out the chicken for lunch and everyone was like “Dude, that doesn’t smell so good” and you were like “Tastes good to me” and forty minutes later you threw up... in a sink.

NOAH: Oh yeah... maybe don’t mention that one either.

JEFF: How about the time you wouldn’t go out with that girl because she was Filipino?

NOAH: What? No! It wasn’t because she was Filipino – it was because she ate too much rice.

JEFF: Yeah... right.

NOAH: She ate rice for breakfast! Come on!!

JEFF: Fine. Can I talk about the time your Dad got really drunk at one of our hockey games and then got beat up by the other team’s coach?

NOAH: That has nothing to do with me... and he had to walk with a cane for like six months after that.

JEFF: Yeah, he got tuned.

(Momentary silence)

NOAH: Anything else?

JEFF: No. Those were my best stories.

NOAH: Really? Humiliating me... those are your best stories?

JEFF: Well what am I supposed to talk about then?

NOAH: You know, like... serious stuff. Like love and me and Lisa being perfect for each other... stuff like that.

JEFF: Okay, like that time you were gonna cheat on her with that girl you met at Whiskey Dix, but then decided not to because you realized how much you loved Lisa, and not that slutty drunk girl?

(Long pause)

NOAH: Just talk about the potato thing. 


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