The Comedy Basement
M as in Murderer
(Frank greets Marc outside a coffee shop)
FRANK: You ready to go? I got a basketball court booked for us at 2:30.
MARC: Yeah, but first I just gotta call this place to see if this package I ordered has arrived.
FRANK: Sure.
(Marc dials a number on his cell phone)
MARC: (Pause) Yeah, hi. I’m calling about a pickup for Marc. (Pause) Yes, it’s M as in murderer. A as in ass-rapist. R as in regular rapist. C as in Care Bear. (Pause) Yes, I can hold.
(Marc turns to Frank)
MARC: They’re going to check and see if it’s in.
FRANK: What the hell was that?
MARC: What?
FRANK: All the rape and murder talk.
MARC: I was just trying to help them get the correct spelling of my name.
FRANK: Yeah but don’t people usually say stuff like P as in puppy. Not M as in murderer.
MARC: Well... I said Care Bear, right?
FRANK: Yeah, amongst other things.
MARC: Relax, they’re just random words. It’s not like I put any thought into any of them. It’s no big deal... really.
FRANK: Okay, if you say so.
(Marc’s phone beeps)
MARC: They’re back. Hold on.
FRANK: Alright.
MARC: Yeah hi. (Pause) My last name? (Pause) Sure, it’s Sheldon. S as in stalker. H as in hide-in-your-closet. E as in ether-soaked-rag. L as in long-drive-to-the-country. D as in don’t-scream-so-damn-loud. O as in old, abandoned barn. N as in nail-you-to-the-wall-with-a staple-gun-and-leave-you-there. (Pause) Yes, I can hold again.
(Marc turns to Frank)
MARC: They want me to hold again.
FRANK: Are you messing with me?
MARC: No, I guess they’re having a lot of trouble tracking my package.
FRANK: Not about that... with the spelling of your last name.
MARC: Yeah... no, that’s pretty much how I always spell it for people.
FRANK: Really? With ether-soaked rags and long drives to the country?
MARC: It’s totally random.
FRANK: Well it’s totally creeping me out and I don’t know if I can be your friend anymore.
MARC: What?
(Marc’s phone beeps)
MARC: Just hold on a sec.
FRANK: We’ll see.
MARC: Yes? (Pause) Okay. (Pause) My middle name? It’s Ian. I as in I’m -a-very-disturbed-individual. A as in always-be-my-friend-or-die. N as in now we go play some basketball.(Pause) Yes, I can hold.
(Marc turns to Frank but he is nowhere to be seen)
MARC: Frank?
(Frank has left)
MARC: Dammit.
(Marc’s phone beeps)
MARC: Yeah. (Pause) It is? (Pause) Great! (Pause) Hey, do you like basketball? (Pause) You do? (Pause) You think you wanna meet me for a game? (Pause) Cool. How about we meet at my place? I live at 356 Elm Street. That’s E as in enema. L as in learn-to-love-me. And M as in murderer. See you then!
Copyright © The Comedy Basement 2009
(Frank greets Marc outside a coffee shop)
FRANK: You ready to go? I got a basketball court booked for us at 2:30.
MARC: Yeah, but first I just gotta call this place to see if this package I ordered has arrived.
FRANK: Sure.
(Marc dials a number on his cell phone)
MARC: (Pause) Yeah, hi. I’m calling about a pickup for Marc. (Pause) Yes, it’s M as in murderer. A as in ass-rapist. R as in regular rapist. C as in Care Bear. (Pause) Yes, I can hold.
(Marc turns to Frank)
MARC: They’re going to check and see if it’s in.
FRANK: What the hell was that?
MARC: What?
FRANK: All the rape and murder talk.
MARC: I was just trying to help them get the correct spelling of my name.
FRANK: Yeah but don’t people usually say stuff like P as in puppy. Not M as in murderer.
MARC: Well... I said Care Bear, right?
FRANK: Yeah, amongst other things.
MARC: Relax, they’re just random words. It’s not like I put any thought into any of them. It’s no big deal... really.
FRANK: Okay, if you say so.
(Marc’s phone beeps)
MARC: They’re back. Hold on.
FRANK: Alright.
MARC: Yeah hi. (Pause) My last name? (Pause) Sure, it’s Sheldon. S as in stalker. H as in hide-in-your-closet. E as in ether-soaked-rag. L as in long-drive-to-the-country. D as in don’t-scream-so-damn-loud. O as in old, abandoned barn. N as in nail-you-to-the-wall-with-a staple-gun-and-leave-you-there. (Pause) Yes, I can hold again.
(Marc turns to Frank)
MARC: They want me to hold again.
FRANK: Are you messing with me?
MARC: No, I guess they’re having a lot of trouble tracking my package.
FRANK: Not about that... with the spelling of your last name.
MARC: Yeah... no, that’s pretty much how I always spell it for people.
FRANK: Really? With ether-soaked rags and long drives to the country?
MARC: It’s totally random.
FRANK: Well it’s totally creeping me out and I don’t know if I can be your friend anymore.
MARC: What?
(Marc’s phone beeps)
MARC: Just hold on a sec.
FRANK: We’ll see.
MARC: Yes? (Pause) Okay. (Pause) My middle name? It’s Ian. I as in I’m -a-very-disturbed-individual. A as in always-be-my-friend-or-die. N as in now we go play some basketball.(Pause) Yes, I can hold.
(Marc turns to Frank but he is nowhere to be seen)
MARC: Frank?
(Frank has left)
MARC: Dammit.
(Marc’s phone beeps)
MARC: Yeah. (Pause) It is? (Pause) Great! (Pause) Hey, do you like basketball? (Pause) You do? (Pause) You think you wanna meet me for a game? (Pause) Cool. How about we meet at my place? I live at 356 Elm Street. That’s E as in enema. L as in learn-to-love-me. And M as in murderer. See you then!
Copyright © The Comedy Basement 2009
