The Comedy Basement
The Hitler 'Stache
(Outside Adolf Hitler's bunker - April 30th, 1945)
ASSISTANT: Your car has arrived, sir. Are you ready to leave?
HITLER: Yes, I think I am.
ASSISTANT: Okay... good.
ASSISTANT: Nothing. It’s... nothing, really.
HITLER: Hey, come on... you know you can tell me anything.
ASSISTANT: Well, even though you will be hidden in a secluded cabin deep within the forests of the Swiss Alps, I just couldn’t help but wonder if you were going to at least change your physical appearance?
HITLER: What do you mean?
ASSISTANT: Well, you wouldn’t want anyone to recognize you.
HITLER: Hmmm. So you think I should get a wig or something?
ASSISTANT: Perhaps. But I was thinking more along the lines of... you know.
HITLER: An afro wig?
ASSISTANT: No, sir. Your...
(Assistant rubs his finger along his bare upper lip)
HITLER: My ‘stache?
ASSISTANT: It’s has to go.
HITLER: I don’t know. I’ve had this ‘stache a really long time. It’s kind of my bread and butter.
ASSISTANT: Exactly. People will see that moustache and they will know it’s you!
HITLER: I know! That’s why I grew it to begin with! It’s so distinct!
ASSISTANT: Yeah, well you might as well be wearing a t-shirt that says “My name is Hitler” on it.
HITLER: I do have one of those shirts actually, did you pack it?
ASSISTANT: (Sighs) No. I didn’t pack it.
(Hitler unbuttons his jacket and looks down at his chest)
HITLER: Never mind, I’m already wearing it.
ASSISTANT: Listen sir, you’re going to have to make a decision – the moustache or your freedom. It’s that simple.
HITLER: Well... I do want to be free. But... I don’t think I could go on living my life without this sweet ‘stache.
HITLER: I’ll need some time to think.
ASSISTANT: Sir, we don’t have t....
HITLER: I’ll be in my bunker.
(Hitler disappears into his bunker)
ASSISTANT: I don’t get it!! Just shave the damn moustache! It doesn’t even look that...
(A gunshot goes off, followed by the sound of a body hitting the floor)
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