The Comedy Basement
Don’t Fuck With Freeman
MIKE: What would you do if you were attacked by a dog?
LARRY: Gee, I don’t know. I’d probably put up my arms and my knees and… I don’t know, just hope for the best, I guess.
MIKE: Would you punch the dog?
LARRY: If I had to… yeah. I would definitely punch it. I would also yell at it, like ‘Get back, back I say,’ you know, stuff like that… to scare it.
MIKE: Would you yell for help?
LARRY: Maybe after the first bite, but if I can stop the dog on my own first, I’d probably try to take care of things without any outside help.
MIKE: Interesting answer…okay, now what would you do if you were attacked by Morgan Freeman?
LARRY: Morgan Freeman. Like… the actor?
MIKE: Yes! Morgan Freeman, you know, Shawshank Redemption, Million Dollar Baby, narrator of… lot’s of different things.
LARRY: I know who Morgan Freeman is.
MIKE: Alright then, so what would you do if he attacked you?
LARRY: Like, does he have a weapon or anything?
MIKE: Nope, just his hands and feet. Karate Kid style.
MIKE: He’d probably be wearing some kind of martial arts clothing. You know, like a kimono.
LARRY: You mean a keikogi?
MIKE: Yeah, that’s what I meant. Now try picturing it in your head – Morgan Freeman in traditional Japanese keikogi, and he’s about to kick your ass.
LARRY: I don’t know… kinda makes me laugh.
MIKE: Well you won’t be laughing when he attacks you. And he’d probably make those crazy ‘waaaah’ sounds, you know like Bruce Lee, only it’d be in Morgan Freeman’s voice. It’d be pretty intimidating, I imagine.
LARRY: It would be.
MIKE: He’d probably start snarling too, like some kind of an animal. You’d probably wet your pants, you’d be so scared.
LARRY: Dear God.
MIKE: He’d charge you, screaming and snarling, and whoa, holy shit! He’s biting you. Morgan Freeman is biting you on the neck! Look out, he has sharp teeth!
LARRY: Ahhh, it hurts!
MIKE: What are you going to do now? You have an Oscar winner attacking you as if he were some kind of rabid dog. Be careful, he may even have rabies.
LARRY: Oh no!
MIKE: Now you’re in real trouble! Morgan Freeman is infecting you with rabies and who knows what else. I know it’s hard to fight Academy Award winners, but you must retaliate or Morgan Freeman will kill you.
LARRY: I guess I could punch him in the face.
MIKE: Oh my God, you just punched Morgan Freeman in the face. How could you? He is beloved!!
LARRY: I’m sorry!
MIKE: Wow, you didn’t even hit him hard enough! Sure, he’s no longer biting you, but he’s not even hurt. That punch to the face has only made him angrier. Look, he’s growling at you!
LARRY: What did I do to deserve this?
MIKE: Oh crap! He just pulled out the sword he used as Azeem in the Kevin Costner classic Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves and he has every intention of using it on you.
LARRY: But you said no weapons!
MIKE: Hey, I don’t make the rules – Freeman does.
LARRY: Can I have a weapon?
MIKE: No. It would be unsafe as you’re not properly trained.
LARRY: Unsafe? What about him? He’s just an actor.
MIKE: Uh oh, now you’ve not only punched Morgan Freeman in the face, but you’ve insulted his profession. You’re really gonna get it now!
LARRY: What? No, I….
MIKE:Look out, Morgan Freeman has his Azeem sword and he’s twirling it around like that guy in Raiders of The Lost Ark, you remember, the guy that Indy shoots… except you don’t have a gun. So how are you going to defend yourself?
LARRY: I don’t know… I guess I’d just run away.
MIKE: You start running but you trip on the box that contains Gwyneth Paltrow’s head from the movie Seven, which alsoy stars Morgan Freeman. This is getting really weird! Morgan Freeman is laughing now. He knows he’s going to finish you off.
LARRY: His laugh… it’s so haunting. I can almost hear it.
MIKE: Probably because you’ve heard it before in movies like The Sum of All Fears, Bruce Almighty and Driving Miss Daisy.
LARRY: But, I’ve never seen Driving Miss Daisy.
MIKE: What? You haven’t seen Driving Miss Daisy? A classic film from the Morgan Freeman collection. Oh, he’s gonna cut you up real good now.
LARRY: I’m so sorry… It looks interesting though.
MIKE: Don’t you lie to Morgan Freeman. He knows you think it looks boring and that you hate that old lady from Fried Green Tomatoes.
LARRY: Fine, fine. I think it looks like shit and I can’t stand Fried Green Tomatoes!! Morgan Freeman should just kill me now. I can’t take this anymore!!
MIKE: Morgan Freeman hopes you accomplished everything on your bucket list just like he did in his hit 2007 movie with Jack Nicholson, The Bucket List.
LARRY: I have a bucket list… but I haven’t done anything on it. I haven’t even seen the movie The Bucket List… and it’s on my bucket list!!!
MIKE: That’s a shame… his Azeem sword is so close.
LARRY: I can taste the blood!!
MIKE: So you know he’s killed before.
LARRY: I’m so scared right now.
MIKE: Before Morgan Freeman slices you into pieces, he leans in close… you can smell his breath… it is bad. Like he just had a big bite of salami.
LARRY: What… what’s he saying?
MIKE: He’s saying… in that great narrative voice of his… don’t fuck with Freeman!!
MIKE: Don’t fuck with Freeman.
LARRY: Don’t fuck with Freeman? So…I get to live?
MIKE: Sure do. Yep, he’s walking away with a big grin on his face… See, it was all a joke! Morgan Freeman never wanted to kill you. He just wanted to scare you, and maybe cut you a little.
LARRY: And bite me.
MIKE: Yes, and bite you.
LARRY: I also wet my pants.
MIKE: You did, didn’t you?
LARRY: Whoa… that was so intense… and frightening.
LARRY: Yeah… it felt so… real.
MIKE: What can I say? Don’t fuck with Morgan Freeman. Okay, now what would you do if you were attacked by Clint Eastwood?
Copyright © The Comedy Basement 2009