The Comedy Basement
The Tim Robbins Tattoo Story
Ethan sat down at the bar and ordered a beer. His girlfriend was out for the night and instead of staying home by himself, he decided to walk over to the local pub and have a few beers. He was a few sips into his first pint when a young man about his age sat down on the stool beside him and ordered a drink.
"Do you have any milk?"
Ethan looked him over. He was wearing a gold sequin vest, grey sweat pants and a pair of green flip flops. Despite the man's strange attire, it was his gigantic afro hairstyle that caught Ethan's attention.
The bartender looked at the man strangely. "You want milk?"
"Yes," the gold vested man replied. "How much for the whole carton?"
The bartender shrugged his shoulders. "I dunno. Three-Fifty."
"Sounds excellent my friend. Pour away."
The bartender poured as the gold vested man dropped fourteen quarters onto the counter, followed by fifty cents worth of Canadian Tire money as a tip. He immediately chugged down his mug full of milk and with a white milk moustache now decorating his entire upper lip, he looked happily over at Ethan. "Yikes, that was some good udder squeeze."
Ethan could tell the gold vested man wanted to chat. Ethan did not want to chat.
"The name's Maurice," he introduced himself. "I work at Sears where I sell luggage."
Ethan decided to be polite and nodded hello. American Woman by the Guess Who began to play over the sound system and Maurice began snapping his fingers to the beat.
"Oh yeah, I love this stuff. British Invasion totally rocks the house."
Ethan shook his head. "They're not British."
Maurice did not hear him as his milk mustached lips were too busy singing along. "American woman, get away from me-ee, American woman, gotta let me be-ee. Don't come knockin at my door, I don't even wanna know who you are."
"Wrong lyrics," Ethan mumbled to himself.
He was about to get up and find another seat when Maurice mentioned something of interest. "You like tattoos?"
Ethan sighed but admitted, "Yeah, they're alright."
"Then you'll love this." Maurice began unbuttoning his gold sequin vest. "I just got it today," he smiled. "I'm pretty psyched to show it to everybody."
He carefully pulled off the bandages that covered his chest to reveal a very large tattoo of actor Tim Robbins. Ethan was stunned.
"Wow," he responded, somewhat impressed. "That's really big."
"Yep, I loved him in that movie where he plays a grown up Peter Pan and that other one where he pretends to be an old woman. And as the voice of that blue genie in Aladdin… he's my idol!"
"Blue genie in Aladdin," Ethan inquired. "I think you mean Robin Williams."
"Yeah, Robin Williams…great actor! So, so talented!"
"But your tattoo," Ethan pointed to it. "It's of Tim Robbins."
Maurice looked down at his chest and frowned. "Crap," he muttered under his milky breath.
Ethan felt sorry for him but continued drinking his beer as Maurice sat motionless at the bar, staring down at his Tim Robbins tattoo.
He shook his head sadly. "I don't even know who this guy is."
Ethan decided to cheer him. "You know, I have a tattoo," he announced.
Maurice's eyes lit up. "Really, can I see it?"
Ethan rolled up his sleeve to reveal a tattoo of Titanic director James Cameron on his right shoulder. "It was supposed to be of Cameron Diaz but I got it around the same time that Titanic came out and the guy got confused."
"Wow," Maurice exclaimed as he ran his fingers across it. "It's real nice." He stared at it closely. "James Cameron. Did he play Boner on Growing Pains?"
"No, you're thinking of Kirk Cameron and he didn't play Boner."
"Oh. Well either way, it's still an awesome tattoo, man." He laughed. "Ha, look at us – two awesome guys with two awesome tattoos."
Ethan pulled out a five dollar bill and slammed it down on the counter. He took a long swig of beer. "Have yourself another carton of milk…on me."
"Thanks," Maurice blushed. "Friend?"
Ethan patted him on the back. "That's right. Friend."
Copyright © The Comedy Basement 2009