The Comedy Basement
(A guy enters his apartment. It is dark. He hears a noise coming from the kitchen. He goes to check it out and notices a stranger sitting in a chair. He goes to turn on the lights.)
STRANGER: Leave the lights. I'm not here to hurt you.
GUY: Who are you?
(The stranger turns on a flash light. His face barely visible in the faint light.)
STRANGER: Now is not the time for questions. But for you…I do have answers.
STRANGER: No talking. Just listen. Have a seat.
(The guy pulls a chair from the table and takes a seat a few feet away from the stranger.)
STRANGER: I'm here so you can finally learn the truth…
GUY: The truth?
STRANGER: I said no talking.
GUY: Oh yeah, sorry… not used to this.
(The stranger seems slightly annoyed, but gets over it quickly and dives into his obviously pre-planned monologue.)
STRANGER: Like I said, I'm here so you can finally learn the truth…the truth about your parents and how they really died. Sixteen years ago, you and your twin sister were told your parents were killed in a car accident. (Dramatic pause.) That was a lie. There never was a car accident. Your parents were not who you think they were. I should know...because I was the one who trained them. Your parents were spies, secret agents, working undercover to help serve their country and protect its citizens from the clutches of evil. They weren't killed in a car accident. They were murdered, betrayed by your father's best friend, a suspected double agent from Russia. We never did find him. (Dramatic pause with a bit of a grunt.) The case was eventually closed and forgotten… that was until today when our people intercepted a series of messages traveling from Palestine to France. We have reason to believe those messages were from the man who killed your parents and we have a strong feeling that he is coming here for you. We already tried contacting your sister but mysteriously, she is nowhere to be found. So I am here to tell you that it is your duty to come with me. I will train you like I did your parents. Their killer is out there, your sister is missing and we need you to help us fix this. You're our only hope. Will you accept my offer and come with me to Paris where you will train to become an agent just like your parents, defeat their killer, find your sister and possibly save the world?
(The stranger offers his hand.)
GUY: (Confused.) Uhhhh…
GUY: I'm sorry. I have no idea what you're talking about.
(The stranger pulls a folded piece of paper from his pocket, unfolds it and looks it over.)
STRANGER: Is your name not Marc Stetson, son of Carter and Maxine?
GUY: Uhhh, my name's Barney Brown, son of Murray and Flo.
STRANGER: But your parents… they are dead, are they not?
BARNEY: Nope, they're still alive. Had dinner over there just the other night. My mom even did my laundry.
STRANGER: And your sister?
BARNEY: I'm an only child.
(The stranger looks at the piece of paper.)
STRANGER: This is apartment 7B, right?
(The stranger carefully reads over the piece of paper)
STRANGER: This doesn't make any damn sense then!
BARNEY: Do you mind if I have a look?
STRANGER: Yeah, knock yourself out.
(The stranger hands Barney the flashlight and the piece of paper.)
STRANGER: Good luck.
(Barney reads over the piece of paper.)
BARNEY: Oh, you see, this 7 is actually a 1. You're not looking for apartment 7B, you're looking apartment 1B! And that's where you'll find this Marc Stetson guy.
(The stranger grabs back the flashlight and the piece of paper, and looks at it closely.)
BARNEY: You see?
THE STRANGER: Holy crap, you're right. The 7 looks just like a 1.
BARNEY: Yeah, you really should put a line through your 7's so you'll know if it's a 1 or not.
STRANGER: I do that already! It's my assistant…she's, she's on crack or something. But I'll tell you this, Barney – that was the last time I have an assignment hand written for me. I really should finally get a computer.
BARNEY: That'd probably be a good idea.
STRANGER: I'm just old school, you know?
BARNEY: Yeah, I understand.
STRANGER: Yeah…. well, I'm real sorry for intruding. I made myself a sandwich earlier, I hope you don't mind. I was waiting here a really long time.
BARNEY: Yeah, don't worry about it.
(The stranger stands up from his chair.)
STRANGER: This kind of thing doesn't happen very often. I hope you understand.
(Barney stands up and turns on the kitchen lights.)
BARNEY: That's okay. I'm just happy you aren't a serial rapist.
(The stranger turns off the flashlight.)
STRANGER: Yeah, those guys can be a real pain in the ass.
(Barney and the stranger share a laugh as they walk towards the front door. Barney opens it.)
GUY: Yeah, so 1B… got it?
STRANGER: I do, Barney. Thank you for your help.
BARNEY: You're welcome. Have a good evening.
(The stranger steps through the doorway.)
STRANGER: Thanks, you too.
(The stranger disappears into the darkness of the hallway.)
BARNEY: (To himself.) Nice Guy.
(Barney closes the door.)
Copyright © The Comedy Basement 2009