The Comedy Basement 
The Christmas Coal

(A father greets his poorly behaved son on Christmas morning)

FATHER: Good morning, son. Merry Christmas!

SON: Fuck you, Dad!

FATHER: Now son, you can’t...

SON: What are you gonna do about it?

FATHER: Well, I...

SON: (Laughs) That’s what I thought...

(Son searches frantically through the presents underneath the Christmas tree)

SON: Where the hell are all my presents?

FATHER: I don’t know. Did Santa not bring you anything?

SON: (Angry) I’m seriously getting pretty fuckin’ mad here. Where are my presents, bitch?!!

FATHER: Son, I’m your father and you cannot speak to me that way.

SON: I’ll speak to you however the hell I want. I’m the boss around here.

FATHER: Oh yeah? Well, you might wanna go check out your stocking there, Mr. Boss Man.

SON: Better be some good shit in there.

(Son looks inside his stocking and pulls out a lump of coal)

SON: What the fuck is this?

FATHER: Looks to me like it’s...

SON: Is this shit? Did Santa bring me a piece of shit for Christmas?

FATHER: Now son, don’t be ridiculous... that’s a lump of coal.

SON: What’s coal?

FATHER: Well son... on Christmas, Santa brings lumps of coal to all the naughty boys and girls. You know, the kind of kids who would pee on their parents bed while they’re still sleeping in it... or replace their father’s contact solution with some kind of onion based liquid... or mess with the brakes in my car. Now, I know this is disappointing for you, but hopefully you’ve learned your lesson and next year you’ll be very good and receive all kinds of wonderful presents! Do you understand all that, son? Son...?

(Son is busy rubbing the coal to draw pictures on the white living room walls. He stops)

SON: You like it? It’s a picture of you... you can tell it’s you because of the bald head, big nose and fat gut. I also added stink lines because you stink really bad, especially in the mornings.

FATHER: (Struggling with his words) Son... that.... that... did... did you even listen to a word I just told you?

SON: Nope. But tell Santa thanks for the coal. I love it!

FATHER: (Sighs) Yeah.... I will.

SON: It’s funny... I’ve been so bad this last year, I didn’t think I was gonna get anything. (Laughs) But I guess I was good enough after all.

FATHER: (Weeping a little bit) Yup.

(Son throws the lump of coal at his father’s head)

FATHER: Hey, what the....

(Son picks up the coal)

SON: See, I can do so many different things with this! Oooooh, I’m gonna go feed bits of it to the cat and then rub it all over your car.

(Son leaves)

FATHER: (Rubbing his head) Well... at least I didn’t give him a piece of shit.

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