The Comedy Basement
My Name Is Joe
Hi my name is Joe. I work in a button factory. I have a wife, two kids, a cat and a dog. I'm pretty sure my wife is cheating on me. I'd bet my last dollar that it's with this Filipino guy named Mervin. I know this because one day, I followed her to Mervin's house where she didn't come out for almost two hours. When she finally did, her hair was a mess and she had a condom stuck to her right hip. At least, I thought it was a condom; it could have just as easily been a soggy old piece of Saran wrap or some slimy strips of masking tape. I was sure to drive away (on my bike) before she could see me.
My oldest son's name is Simon, but he prefers to be called Raoul the Magnificent. He is fourteen and is an aspiring magician. His favorite trick involves our cat Steve, who he can make disappear. He does this by forcibly strapping Steve to a homemade catapult and then launching her from our yard into the neighbour's pool. His favorite animal is the hippopotamus and he loves wild berry pop tarts.
My daughter is nine and her name is Marge. We named her after Marge Simpson but the cartoon character she resembles most is Launchpad McQuack from Duck Tales. She is large for her age at 187 pounds and is quite retarded which at times, prevents her from realizing her own strength. Her teachers compare her to a mini Brad Garrett from Everybody Loves Raymond. So when you combine her massive size and strength with her tiny little brain, you get a pretty destructive force... a human wrecking ball. Last week she beat me in an arm wrestle and then proceeded to vomit all over my shoes, which I think she did on purpose because I wasn't even wearing them at the time. They were in the closet. And even though Marge is retarded, she always manages to beat me at checkers. She is not, however, a very gracious winner; last week after she beat me, she broke the board over my head and ate several of the checkers. They have yet to re-surface. Other things Marge has eaten: half a pencil, a light bulb, the A-D section of our dictionary, a bowl of plastic fruit and a DVD copy of The Muppets Take Manhattan.
As I mentioned earlier, I have a cat named Steve but I am pretty sure she died and nobody told me. I haven't seen her since Raoul's last magic trick almost nineteen days ago. People tell me that cats wander off sometimes, but the truth is that I think Marge may have eaten her. Yes, I realize that Steve is a guy's name and even though our cat is a girl, we just couldn't help ourselves. She just looked like a Steve. My dog, Erasmo is still alive and well. In fact, I'm pretty sure he can talk. Once he told me to watch my back and I was confused because I wasn't sure if he was threatening me or just giving out some good advice. He is really good at Frisbee. His throws are very accurate and I am able to catch them in my mouth almost every time.
I, of course work at the local button factory where I spend most of my days cleaning toilets. My boss is a tiny bald man named Maurice. I think he is a midget but I am too scared to ask (I hear they don't like being called that). Regardless, he is a very nice little man who sometimes gives me pep talks before I hit the stalls to do my thing. He really cares. I even tell him about all the problems I have been having with my wife and the Filipino guy, and being the good person that he is, Maurice offered to speak to her for me. He came over once and ended up spending three hours in my bedroom talking to my wife. I don't think she has cheated on me since. Maurice comes by now at least twice a week to keep her in line.
My best friend, Carlos also works at the button factory. He cleans toilets with me but is also a cook in the cafeteria. He is a really good chef/toilet scrubber. His homemade pepperoni sticks are the best. I love him dearly.
My own hobbies include wrestling with my daughter, eating spicy foods and collecting antique cell phones. My favorite TV shows are Charles In Charge, So You Think You Can Dance? and The Young & The Restless. My favorite movie is Bicentennial Man, which is the only movie I have ever seen in an actual theatre. My heroes are Tony Bennett, Tony Danza, Sting (the wrestler) and my boss Maurice. I am a trained canoe repairman and have been cut from Canadian Idol every time I have auditioned, but only because I always threaten Sass Jordan with violence. I just don't get her.
I often run into trouble with the law because I wear a turban…and I am not even Middle Eastern. This can cause great difficulties for me in most public places such as airports, amusement parks and dance clubs. People tell me I should lose the turban and that it is disrespectful to actual Sikh's but I think it looks sexy, especially if I am shirtless.
It's easy to look at my crazy life and say that I have had my shares of ups and downs, but somewhere between grappling with my daughter over a box of Ritz crackers and listening to Maurice really give it to my wife about cheating on me, I begin to realize that it's not so bad after all.
Copyright © The Comedy Basement 2009