The Comedy Basement
If I Were Rich
Rich people do a lot of stupid things with their money. If I were rich, I would put my money to good use and hire a man to open and close my refrigerator. Not only would he be responsible for opening and closing the fridge, but to keep track of its’ stock as well. Here is how I imagine that would go…
JONNY: Good morning Louie. How are things in the fridge looking today?
LOUIE: Excellent, sir. What can I get for you?
Author's Note: The character of Louie speaks in a British accent... but is he really British? We may never know... or will we? Stay tuned...
JONNY: Hmmm, I don’t know. How’s the yogurt situation?
LOUIE: Average at best. You ate the last of the field berries for your mid-night snack. Just Vanilla and Peach flavor left, I’m afraid.
Another Author's Note: I really do not like Vanilla yogurt. Peach is okay but is usually one of my last choices, especially if there is Strawberry Banana, Apple Cinnamon and/or Cherry yogurt left.
JONNY: Oh yeah. Sorry I woke you for that.
LOUIE: That’s quite alright, sir. After all, opening the fridge for you is my only job.
JONNY: I suppose you’re right, Louie. I suppose you’re right... so, what’s the lunch meat department look like? Got any of those pepperoni sticks left?
LOUIE: I’m afraid not, sir. You went through those earlier in the week.
JONNY: Yes, that’s right. I like to pretend they’re cigars and smoke them.
Yet Another Author's Note: I really do this.
LOUIE: Yes, sir. I know.
JONNY: Is that weird?
LOUIE: A little bit, sir.
JONNY: Ah well, better than smoking the real thing and getting lung cancer, right?
LOUIE: My father died of lung cancer last month.
JONNY: Oh man, that’s shitty. How was the funeral?
LOUIE: I missed the funeral because I had to tend to the fridge during your showing of WWE WrestleMania on Pay-Per-View.
JONNY: See, and that’s why I only smoke pepperoni sticks.
LOUIE: Of course, sir.
JONNY: Okay, well maybe I should eat something healthy. How about apples? We got any of those?
Believe it or not... Another Author's Note: When picking a healthy snack, I actually prefer bananas or pears but apples seemed to work better for this particular story.
LOUIE: We have four and a half apples left, sir.
JONNY: Four and a half? Why the half?
LOUIE: Well sir... I may have eaten half an apple during one of my eighteen hour weekend shifts. I was very hungry and the puffed wheat and tap water you supplied me with wasn’t enough to get me through such a long day of work.
JONNY: You did what?
LOUIE: I ate half an apple.
JONNY: You bastard.
LOUIE: I’m sorry, sir. It won’t happen again.
JONNY: You’re damn right it won’t.
(Jonny punches Louie in the stomach.)
JONNY: That'll teach ya!
More Author's Notes: I have an education degree so "teaching" is my thang.
LOUIE: I’m so sorry, sir. I will make it up to you, I promise.
JONNY: Hey.... what happened to your accent?
Author's Note: He's not really British!!
LOUIE: I, um......
JONNY: Wrong answer!
(Jonny slams Louie's head in the refrigerator door, killing him instantly.)
JONNY: Oh my god, he's dead!!! I’ve gotta get out of here. Hiring a guy to open and close my fridge was the worst idea ever!
(Jonny runs away and leaves the country forever.)
Final Author's Note: The moral of the story is that rich people will almost always end up murdering somebody.
Copyright © The Comedy Basement 2009