The Comedy Basement
(Mallory enters the restaurant to find her blind date already seated at the table.)
MALLORY: Hi, I'm Mallory.
RAOUL THE MAGNIFICENT: Fuck you.
MALLORY: I beg your pardon?
RAOUL THE MAGNIFICENT: Fuck you. It means hello in the new language I have invented. It also means goodbye… like in Hawaii.
MALLORY: Oh… that's interesting. Well fuck you too then, I suppose.
RAOUL THE MAGNIFICENT: (Sighs.) Look… only I am allowed to speak this new language so you actually just said fuck you to me.
MALLORY: Oh… I'm sorry?
RAOUL THE MAGNIFICENT: You have a real attitude problem, you know that?
MALLORY: I said I was sorry.
RAOUL THE MAGNIFICENT: Sorry can only cut it so many times.
MALLORY: I only said it once.
RAOUL THE MAGNIFICENT: Regardless… okay, I am willing to forgive you if you can answer the following trivia question correctly. The category is professional wrestling… who did Stone Cold Steve Austin defeat for his sixth and final WWF Championship?
MALLORY: (Thinking.) Uhhhhhh….
RAOUL THE MAGNIFICENT: The clock's ticking.
MALLORY: Can I have a clue?
RAOUL THE MAGNIFICENT: Absolutely not. You have three seconds.
MALLORY: Hulk Hogan!
RAOUL THE MAGNIFICENT: Wrong! They have never even faced each other. You are very stupid. So what would you like to eat?
MALLORY: Uhhh, I thought you would only forgive me if I got that last question right?
RAOUL THE MAGNIFICENT: Did I say that?
MALLORY: Yes, you did.
RAOUL THE MAGNIFICENT: Oh, sorry. I got beat up a lot as a child… extensive brain damage actually. So I forget a lot of things.
MALLORY: That's horrible.
RAOUL THE MAGNIFICENT: Yeah but that's the price you pay for going to school every day dressed as Elvis Presley.
MALLORY: Elvis Presley?
RAOUL THE MAGNIFICENT: Did I say Elvis Presley? (Laughs.) Silly me, what I meant to say was Elvis Stojko.
MALLORY: The figure skater?
RAOUL THE MAGNIFICENT: Yes! He did figure skate, didn't he?
RAOUL THE MAGNIFICENT: Wow, you learn something new everyday.
MALLORY: Are you okay?
RAOUL THE MAGNIFICENT: Yeah, I feel pretty good especially considering how I haven't vomited yet.
MALLORY: You vomit a lot?
RAOUL THE MAGNIFICENT: Quite frequently actually, I just can't stop drinking milk, even if it's expired. It doesn't help that I'm extremely lactose intolerant.
MALLORY: You know you can get pills for that?
RAOUL THE MAGNIFICENT: Pills…? As in drugs…? As in cocaine?
MALLORY: Well yeah, but…
RAOUL THE MAGNIFICENT: I did cocaine once. I made it myself out of crushed up Tylenol chewables… grape flavour. There may have been a few bubble gum flavored ones in there, too. It hurt my nose bad. Made me vomit.
MALLORY: You know that wasn't cocaine, right?
RAOUL THE MAGNIFICENT: How dare you insult my intelligence. To this I say: fuck you.
(Raoul the Magnificent knocks the entire table over and leaves.)
Copyright © The Comedy Basement 2009