The Comedy Basement 
Hit Men 

(Back at the Hit Men headquarters, Eugene enters)

EUGENE: Hey guys.

TARIQ: ‘Sup, man.

KEVIN: Good night tonight?

EUGENE: It was okay.

KEVIN: But you got the job done, right?

EUGENE: Yeah, I did... eventually.

TARIQ: Eventually? Whatcha’ mean by that?

EUGENE: Well... do you guys ever go on a job where the target spots you beforehand?

SAM: Nah, man.

KEVIN: Never.

EUGENE: And then before you can do him in, he karate kicks the gun out of your hands and then wrestles you to the ground and punches you in the face four times before you’re able to stab him with the knife you keep in your boot?


TARIQ: One time, but I only did it for fun and it was after I shot his ass... and there was no wrestlin’ or karate kickin’...just lot’s of stabbin’... you know, to make sure he was good and dead.

EUGENE: I see.

KEVIN: Eugene... did that happen to you tonight?

EUGENE: Me? No. Come on... this is “Mean” Eugene you’re talking to here. I don’t... I don’t do that... stuff...anymore.

TARIQ: If by stuff, you mean actually kill people with ease, then yeah... you right.

(Kevin and Tariq laugh)

EUGENE: Come on guys... it’s not me, it’s the dress attire. I’m not as sneaky in these clothes as I am in a tank top and sweats.

TARIQ: A tank top and sweats? Come on, man.

EUGENE: Well, why do we have to dress so cool when we go on a job? Like, why all the suits and leather jackets? I mean, Tariq’s wearing a fur coat for Christ’s sake. He looks like he came from a Snoop Dogg video. It’s just not practical and I don’t get it.

KEVIN: It’s the dress code.

EUGENE: But why? Who are we trying to impress? The people we kill? They’re not going to care what we’re wearing, if you know what I mean.

TARIQ: Yeah, ‘cause we put a bullet in their head.

EUGENE: Exactly... plus, you know how hard it is to clean blood off a suit? And you can’t exactly take it to the dry cleaners. I mean, what are you gonna say to them? I killed a really big mosquito?

SAM: My wife cleans my suits. She’s a real wiz in the laundry room.

EUGENE: Well what do you tell her about the blood?

TARIQ: I tell her it’s Kool-Aid... she thinks I’m a Kool-Aid sales man.

EUGENE: That’s not even a real job.

KEVIN: Hmmm, well I guess I’ll just have to shoot her then.

(Kevin laughs)

TARIQ: Or stab her with the knife you keep in your boot.

(Kevin and Tariq laugh harder)

EUGENE: Hey... but only if she spots you before hand. 

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