The Comedy Basement
In the Nineteenth Century, body-snatchers stole and removed corpses from graveyards for the purpose of dissection and study in the medical world. This is a story about two of those body-snatchers.
(Two body-snatchers are digging up a body in a dark graveyard.)
DOUG: Man, I love this.
MARVIN: What? You mean digging up bodies?
DOUG: Yeah. It's a good life.
MARVIN: Well, we're almost done, so I hope you won't be too sad when it's over.
DOUG: I think I'll survive...
(Doug and Marvin laugh and then continue digging until Marvin hits something.)
MARVIN: Hey, I think we've got something here.
DOUG: Oh yeah...?
(Marvin shovels some more dirt off of the casket and Doug opens it up.)
DOUG: Ahhhh, shit.
MARVIN: What's wrong?
DOUG: Nothing. It's just that...
DOUG: Well, doesn't he look a little fat to you?
MARVIN: You know what... he is a little bigger than what we're used to.
DOUG: He's more than just big... he's fat.
MARVIN: Come on, he's dead.
DOUG: I'm sorry but that is one very fat man.
DOUG: Fat, fat , fatty. He's very, very fat.
MARVIN: So let's get him out of here then. Maybe they'll pay us by the pound?
DOUG: Are you kidding me?
MARVIN: No... we're body-snatchers, so I figured at some point, we'd actually be snatching this body.
DOUG: No way.
MARVIN: But that's our job!
DOUG: Not today, it isn't. Not when the guy in the box is the size of the Loch Ness Monster!
MARVIN: Well what do we do now?
DOUG: I don't know... just leave it.
MARVIN: Leave it?
DOUG: Yeah, maybe those really muscular body-snatchers from the other side of town will come by and grab him. They could probably get this guy out of here.
MARVIN: Kind of a waste of time for us though.
DOUG: My back can't handle it. It already hurts so damn much from shovelling dirt every night.
MARVIN: So we'll leave it.
DOUG: Yeah. Sorry.
MARVIN: Kind of sucks. I really needed the money – I think my kid's getting the plague.
DOUG: Well at least he won't die the same way as this fat slob.
MARVIN: I guess you're right about that.
DOUG: Yeah, forget date of death on the tombstone... give me the weight at death. (Laughs.) Am I right?
(Doug and Marvin laugh uncontrollably for eight minutes.)
MARVIN: Yeah, we should get t-shirts made with that saying on it.
DOUG: Yeah, all the other body-snatchers will get a real kick out of it.
Copyright © The Comedy Basement 2009